Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the day after is always just damage control
why do cheetos always look like penises
you didnt know i had herpes?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
