I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
