Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
