Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
