i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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