I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
