yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
