i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
