nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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