I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
