I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
