I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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