I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
