but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
