I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
