i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
