Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
your room smells of hookers.
And success
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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