I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
