there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
