I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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