My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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