Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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