HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
