oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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