There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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