so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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