I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
