drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I have fence marks all over my body
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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