i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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