also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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