Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
