i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
