Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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