I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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