we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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