dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
