I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
he just fucked me for my cheese..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
