I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
