youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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