I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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