Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
