If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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