Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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