I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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