You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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