I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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