Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
