my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
