well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
