the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
