I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
